I chose to take that road of compassion. I deliberately softened and lowered my voice when I faced any interaction with her. I used skills I learned about allowing the other person to “save face” whenever I needed to relay information that might have been interpreted as the tiniest bit critical. I held compassion in my heart. And I documented.

I was in a difficult position — I needed the work this person offered, and I needed to be paid, which she said she would do “as soon as ________.” (Fill the blank with your choice of excuse.)

I needed to believe that she was a troubled person who, underneath it all, really meant to do the right thing. I needed to believe that peer pressure from our mutual acquaintances and my economic value to her would keep her on the right track. I needed to believe . . . and I was in the perfect position to be exploited.

No, compassion did not reach her. I have known several people like her, and when my suspicions started to rise, I wondered, just as you have, if I might have a better outcome if I could genuinely stay “in my heart” and hold the image of the highest and best outcome.

I am not a clinician, but I was in conversation with a clinician as I was going through this experience, and I related some of what I saw. I believe that I saw her “dissociate” around her lies — as she fabricated a lie, it became her new reality and nothing would shake her from that new position. I don't think this is true with every person who is on the upper end of this spectrum, but I've seen it with several “specimens.” I think this is partly why therapy or coaching has little effect — they believe the false reality that they create. And so, when you or I try to get them to see something different, we may appear to them to be the “liar.”

In “Monty Python & the Holy Grail,” remember the “witch”? The hapless young woman who had a carrot tied to her face? The high-functioning disordered person can target anyone, whip up a mob, and try the hapless victim for “witchcraft,” or “malfeasance,” or “poor job performance,” or . . . And the disordered person doesn't need a justification to go after a target.

You cannot reason with someone whose motivations and mind do not follow the same patterns that most of us in society subscribe to. Even greed is not enough of a motivator to ensure that someone like this can be kept in line.

But, Chrisdorr's story gives me hope. Not all bullies are this pathological. I will continue to live in compassion, but I will also be faster to head for the door when I see the signs.

What would happen if one could, in the face of the bully, cultivate compassion? All the wisdom traditions with which I'm familiar teach that compassion is the right response to a bully. But they also teach: “Don't be an idiot and put up with abuse if you can help it.”

Again, though, thanks for the wonderful contribution to the discussion.

Seriously, the disorder underlying this extreme type of behavior appears to come from a lack of “conscience” and a lack of empathy. In certain theories of development, empathy is a prerequisite for the development of a real conscience — because if I have empathy for you, I won't want to harm you, and therefore I will do the right thing, not out of fear of punishment or a desire to look good, but because I really care about not harming others.

If the capacity for empathy, or “compassion,” really does not exist in a person with the extreme form of this disorder, then that creates a spiritual and metaphysical conundrum for me. But this appears to be true, according to a body of academic literature.

The advice to “get away” from someone like this is about the best that's out there, since this sort of person is particularly resistant to change. But it's particularly difficult when you are already “in bed with them,” in business, as a co-worker or employer, as a founder or board member, or in a personal relationship, particularly when this describes a parent, sibling, or child.

If we can't change this type of person, at least we can re-frame our responses to them if we understand that this type of pathology is real, and that their “crazy-making behavior” is outside of our control. We can stop thinking that a faster response to that “article in the NYTimes” would have actually made a difference. We can stop creating CYA memos, knowing that those ultimately won't help.

In a metaphor, if we realize that this personality disorder is real, we can change up the prescription in the lenses we use to look at others in our lives. We might be looking at someone who is having a bad day, or who has had bad role models in the past who can re-think and re-learn to have a more positive style of interaction. Or, with this information, we may be better able to decide to “run away.”

According to Martha Stout, in “The Sociopath Next Door,” roughly 4% of the US population is highly sociopathic. Other experts say the figure might be closer to 10% (along a spectrum), with highly psychopathic people representing 1% to 4%.

Because these sorts of people may also demonstrate certain traits that we associate with leadership and entrepreneurship, I think the percentages are probably higher in upper level management and in start-ups, where the dysfunction may appear — for awhile — to be a “good” thing.

While some bullies may be coachable, anyone who finds themselves in the position you describe should also consider whether they are really dealing with a pathological type, in which case, all the CYA in the world won't help. The pathological person may in fact eagerly look for opportunities to bully, rant, rage, and “fire at will.” And the most pathological don't need any excuse for that kind of bad behavior.

The damage these people do is beyond calculation.

I'll guess the yeller in your post likely felt anger for not being the company featured, felt others didn't work as hard as he did and resented them for that, felt his team had let him down, and feared that all he worked for was now threatened in some way by losing market position. His behavior clearly sucked, but his feelings were legitimate, even if inaccurate gauges of reality.

What seems clear to me is that the women, while heroic in looking for help, were not the ones who needed coaching.

Best,
Kung

“Scares me to think more than a decade has past since our tenure at (company name deleted). Thought of you after speaking to (name deleted) recently. I was very mean to you then. I was miserable in the job and took it out on you. Have always felt bad about that. I really was a horse's ass. Accept my apology, ten years late. Hope you and family are well”

It guess it is never too late to accept responsibility and make an apology.

One question, do you have experience in settings where the narcissistic one is a co-founder and his/her co-founders awaken to the realisation of what they're really dealing with?

Any startup crisis between co-founders due to bad cases of narcissism at play?

Thanks again for your illustrative and very well written post.

Excellent post. Your ability to capture the intricacies of these types of situations is inspiring. The problem with a fear-driven workplaces is that they lead to degradation of risk taking or going above and beyond. When there is an obvious cliff between a job well done and a job terribly done (worthy of firing or scolding) then the employee will work only within the confines of what he or she perceives to be conservatively accomplishable. Put simply, bullies create a CYA ambience. As we've heard from @dondodge and others, some of the most successful companies in the world are that way because they set impossible goals (Google). This can't be done in an environment run by bullies.