I think my definition of “all” is more measured than it may have
sounded. It can never be all things at one time. We're human and not
perfect and that's a good thing. I just really want to nurture some
positive inclinations which haven't seen enough action (these include
my children).

And this 40 thingy is a partial trigger of that.

“Supposed to”'s and “shoulds”–especially those externally generated and then internalize–can be painful, tragic tools. If you were a client, I'd suggest spending some time with those “shoulds” and see whether or not they're yours or aspects of your inheritance.

I am consumed by a need to create. I suppressed it for a long time. This summer, I turn 40 too. This need to create is not quietly percolating. It's a “get the hell out of my way” feeling, like the Kraken has been unleashed.

Here's how almost-40 feels to me. I had a really early entrepreneurial success, a period of my life which was extremely happy and aligned with my passions. So I've had a taste of that and yearn to do it again. The next 15 years were chock full of “supposed to's”. Getting the MBA. Working for the big consulting firm. Paying off a mountain of debt. Getting married, having kids. Caring for and burying sick parents. Volunteer work. Suddenly, gradually, I became a suburban mom.

But I don't feel like one.

Then last year, someone offered me a test. Like Meyers-Briggs on steroids, including capability assessments. It told me that I'm an off-the-charts entrepreneurial person. That I see things others don't see, and can persuade people to get on board. She said I have no tolerance for working for stupid people, and would need a strong #2 quickly, to “pick up the pieces”. She couldn't believe I lasted in consulting for so many years.

I don't live with regrets. I love my husband and my girls deeply. Yet life is short and I'm not ready to close the door on my passion. On the contrary, I need to tap it and see where it take me.

What can I say, I want it all. Is that so wrong??

With so many ideas and so little time- at 50 I may never bring the
rock opera I wrote and produced in college to broadway but maybe some day…

More than ever i am forced to prioritize, be deliberate. And while
shooting for the stars I'm constantly remined of the George Leonard
quote to “love the plateau” . enjoy the ride, be the Change, be here now etc,etc

It may not be easy to “create” but it can surely be rewarding. Even if
just for the act and process of creating itself,

My more complete reaction is here http://www.nigelbeck.com/Birthdays-and-Crossing…. I, for one, hope it will never be too late and “time to put aside childish things”, but that we can instead add our maturity to the creativity and delight that the eyes of a child perceive in all things.

but starting companies is what I know, and I believe that business can be a vehicle for our highest aspirations.

blog more.

love, charlie

I'm a noob to this but the way I see it is that there needs to be some flexibility on the side of the entrepreneur if they do want to get to that next level. Whether it be funding, first employee, biz dev partnership, whatever…you're never going to get exactly what you want on YOUR terms. Somethings usually gotta give.

It felt to me like you're genuine, not just going through the motions…

Regarding the phoenix and courage to reassemble oneself, I believe that you choose to walk the fire and to be reborn when you know the time has come, when you are ready, even if it comes by surprise. Underlying readiness perhaps replaces part of the courage needed and fuels the willingness to risk, and the willingness to grow.

Easier said than done but that's the path.

The pictures you took and framed not only assert that self who ventured out but also assert what you find beautiful, which you traveled far to see. There is a sensual connection with what you saw when you were living that life. You spoke of the subtle body earlier and I feel strongly that our visual connection to pleasure and beauty is in danger of being overridden or replaced by generic ad/media images. Our individual visual desires are constantly at risk of being told what to like, rather than being allowed to develop, and connect the inner self to the eyes, our individual eyes. Hang more pictures and please your eyes, and through your eyes, your soul.

In time I had to chose where and when to focus my energy – limiting the options. (I couldn't marry all the boys, or be both “marry poppins mommy” and a superstar at work at least not all in THIS hour.) I'm looking at your message thinking maybe in 7-8 years my options will open up a bit more again. There are so many lives to live, and great choices to make. Trick is to decide which ones best “fill your cup” at least this time around.

And, I don't know that we necessarily choose the fire. I believe it can “choose” us. Or is it one of those “unlived lives” asserting itself, coming forward, insisting that the space be cleared so that we can emerge into that life that we might never have willingly chosen, if more comfortable options remained.

Different metaphor, but I often think of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid on the brink of the cliff with the posse behind them. What choice did they have? Other than to jump . . .